I haven't been posting at all, have I?

Partly because I don't have much to say - I'm more... I dunno - getting along pretty well and hoping for more getting along pretty well in the near future.

Decided to start working out, and man, am I out of shape. I don't mean just fat, but muscle wise. Just not strong, which I'm not used to.

Today I ended up getting in to the gym free, which was funny - no one was at the desk when I got there and I just went in to work out. Since my initial goal is pretty low (at least a mile and at least 20 minutes on elliptical and treadmill), I'm in and out of there fairly quickly. In some ways I'd like to work out more, but I think the pace I'm going is best for me at this time. Slow and steady.

Went to NYC two weeks ago. It was a great trip with a great friend and her partner. And cats and a dog!

It's the little one's last day of 4th grade and his big brother is going to pick him up from school today, by special request. Then the boys are heading back here and I may or may not send them on an errand.

Just remembered that I needed to go to the ATM last night and I didn't - darn it. I'll have to go out tomorrow for some cash.

That's it. Just hanging round and streaming movies on Netflix today.

Point: Joss Whedon should relinquish his Feminist card because of the new TV show, Dollhouse.

Counter Point, anyone?

Closer - Really liked this one
The Namesake - This was good for the genre, although I wanted more from Kal Penn's performance. He was a weak link, sadly.
Man of the Year - I'm still watching this one, and it's odd. The pacing is strange, the timeline has holes in it (as does the plot), but I really didn't think I'd like it at all, so I'm enjoying it more than I'd expected to.

Something I discovered while IMDB'ing Closer was that it was based on a play. Then I found out that The History Boys, which I really enjoyed, was also based on a play. Then I started thinking of other films that I liked that were based on plays and realized there were more than a few. So now I'm going to look to see if a film was based on a play when I'm deciding whether or not to add it to my Netflix queue.

Also "queue" is an awesome word. Isn't it?

I have no idea. I've been to the ocean twice, and I've never been in the mountains. It seems to me that the mountains and I might be better suited to one another, but the ocean (Atlantic, at least) is pretty cool.

Tags: mountains, ocean, writer's block

This is nothing but the truth. I am alive.

Actually, I'm living today. I can honestly say that I lived today.

That is fantastic, and makes me feel happy and satisfied.

My little Charlie Brown Christmas tree is pretty awesome. I went out in the treacherous snow and bought it and a bunch of ornaments. I've wanted to have a tree decorated with all silver and blue for years (I kind of did this several years ago when we had two trees, back when I owned a house).
It's great. I was not in the mood for "holidays" until my little one practically begged me for a tree.

I had a really bad couple of days and I suddenly realized that having a Christmas would be good for me.

So I'm going to be having Christmas, spending time with family, etc.

Tags: life

The conversation I had with my eldest tonight was so sweet. He was incredibly excited, and I'm just imagining him becoming an expert on the Obama cabinet. He's heavily invested.

Tags: politics

Unlike 2004, I'm really glad to have cast my vote for Barack Obama. I wasn't sure I'd be keen on the Obamamercial tonight, but I thought it hit the right notes for "the folks". Plus, really, just imagining this guy being our articulate president makes me feel kind of mushy inside. This is a guy who knows that words mean things.

Tags: politics

Since I came home from the hospital. I still have two faint bruises, one on my stomach from where they gave me heparin shots and one on my arm from where I had an IV.

They are nearly gone.

Sleepiness from the medicine comes and goes, as does dizziness and a bit of a dopey feeling.

Today I have a bunch of errands I am doing in part because they need doing and in part because they will keep me out of the house while a repairman comes by our place. I don't want to be there for that. Not sure why, but I REALLY REALLY don't want to.

I wonder if Netflix observes Columbus Day or not. Probably.

Here is my list of things to do today:

1. Hit the UPS Store and drop off a package.
2. Grab a cup of coffee and read my newspaper at a coffee shop of my choosing.
3. Go to Penneys and return some things I ordered online.
4. Do two loads of laundry I managed to not do yesterday when I did laundry.
5. Drop some mail off at the post office.
6. Put away clothes that don't fit, iron things, hang up clothes.
7. Decide on what's for dinner (it will involve pork chops, I think).
8. Go to craft store to have prints framed (OPTIONAL), maybe buy some crafting stuff.

Hmmm. Not as much stuff as I thought it was. The UPS Store and Penneys will take 5-10 minutes each, not factoring driving time. The coffee can take up to an hour, but the paper is pretty thin these days. Laundry will take close to 90 minutes, so that will be the biggest time expenditure. I oughtta bring something to read for that, too. I think I'll vaccuum my car while the clothes are washing (there's a carwash attached to the laundromat).
So ends my boring list.

I struggled a lot this weekend with thoughts of suicide. The Man and I talked about it a little bit and he brought up Sylvia Plath, and I had to nip that conversation in the bud, because she is one of the people who make me think I will die by my own hand one day. It's difficult to explain.

I have to leave in a half an hour. Can't forget to brush my teeth before I go... I should eat breakfast too. But I think I'll eat out. That will be fun.

Tags: life, list, suicidal feelings

So the Man and I have moved in together. So far it's been a rollercoaster of stress*. Have I mentioned I don't do "change" well?

Also, the landlords seem to be jerking us around about some simple repairs they said they'd do LAST WEEK and still haven't done. And in the meantime, the shower is broken, so we need to use a pliers to turn it on and change water temperature. Classy.

Otherwise, the place is pretty cool. it's old, there are more spiders than I'd like (living a block from from the lake'll do that to you), we have so much cooking stuff we hardly have any room for food, ha ha.

Our TV/Stereo set up is pretty cool, the dining room will be fantastic once we get my books and CDs put away in the bookshelves we have yet to buy.

Today our sofa and loveseat are to be delivered, and I'm really looking forward to it.

*But it's not all bad. I just really don't do big life changes very gracefully, is all.

But at least its the "with a purpose" kind of crazy. Just moving house this coming week. I still have half of my things in boxes, but as I look through them I realize that many of them were just thrown together at the last minute *last* summer, and that I can throw a lot of stuff out. Throwing things out is difficult for me, but this is simply junk and really really really needs to go. So throw stuff out I will.

Giving away things is proving a bit harder this year than last. I've finally given up on getting back to my smallest size, so I've got boxes of clothing to be rid of. But I love those clothes so much. Yes, sadly, I love clothes.

Oh well.

Anyhow, This email doesn't begin to describe how awful and torn up I feel inside, but neither do my dimples or easy laugh. I'm just one of those people who can be really miserable and not show it until you get up real close.

Time to go back to work sorting the already-packed from the to-be-packed stuff.

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?

I swear, I could walk around for days in a haze if only I had the opportunity.

But for now its just drinking a few nights a week.

Hello Quizzy

But pretty damn close.

For a few months I was taking a low dose of fluoxetine (Prozac), and that helped me climb out of my hole of depression. However, there are many indications (both through studies and my own experience) that antidepressants don't really help people with bipolar disorder.


Back to the meds, I am now only on two things, one is PRN (as needed) and the other one is once a day, in the evenings. The anti-psychotic (used in bipolar as a "mood stabilizer") seems to be doing good by me, with the exception of some fatigue and weight gain. It's a dopamine antagonist, I think, so apparently my brain chemistry is short in that department.

In other unrelated news, I picked up some contact lenses after my recent eye exam. I look *weird* without glasses. I just do. But I'll wear them just the same, because sometimes it's nice to try something new. I'm only wearing them for a few hours at a time for now, just to get my eyes used to them. I just don't really look myself without glasses on. They are part of my personality.

We are about to go run errands and eat and visit the botanical gardens, so I will end this post.

Now.

Tags: my life as a freak of nature

Writing my last entry I had no idea that I'd be laid up in bed the next day with awful muscle spasms! Oh well.

Anyhoodle, the back is feeling better.

All else is lost, but the back? Excellent.

And I got new razors and lavender shave cream and my legs are really smooth. That's nice.

And I made flan last night, which is one of my favourite foods.

So, yep. I'm gonna go check the mail.

I've got an "emo prevention measure" on my LJ to prevent me from posting anything over drama-y about things. Everything I post goes first to private, and I have to edit the post to get it any other way.

I got really sick of reading embarrassing posts by myself. That is, reading my own embarrassing posts.

Anyhow.

I don't have that much to say, but I would like to write about pain. I'm having a muscle spasm in my back, which is caused, in part, by my breasts, or more accurately, by their rather sudden growth and the failure of my bras to keep up.

At least, I think that's it.

See, one of the medications I'm taking increases prolactin levels*. Prolactin, as far as I can tell, is a hormone that pregnant and lactating women produce in spades. Since I started taking said meds, my breasts have gotten nearly a cup size bigger. I need new bras!

That, coupled with a lot of bowling lately, seem to have contributed to my back problems.

But it's interesting, now that my body is REALLY HURTING today (but not REALLY REALLY HURTING, as with a thrown out back or non-stop spasming), I find my mental anguish easier to deal with. I'm not used to being in *no* pain, but I can juggle different types of pain rather well.

That says something but I don't know what, exactly.

Tonight I'm going out singing (just one song at live-band karaoke) and I hope it goes well. I've noticed that being up on stage is something I really really really really like to do, so I think I should keep doing it.

*This has also resulted in my menses being a bit whacked out, because increased prolactin levels are linked to funky periods. This after so many months of 28 day cycles

Tags: body, life, stuff, tmi

Let's just sum it up by saying this: I went to live-band karaoke and rocked Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams". And by rocked, I mean ROCKED!!!!!


It's all worth it, the whole going-out-by-myself thing, just to get that reaction from a crowd. I love performing.

Whew.

But I've had a headache for a day or so. What's that all about?

Tags: life

Twenty years and one day ago, I tried to kill myself.

(It didn't work, btw).

But the damned rice in the Jambalaya won't cook. I fear it's gonna turn into a sticky mess before it gets soft enough. That's what I get for using brown basmati rice. I've been eating too many processed grains lately, I needed something fortifying and whole. Which just happens to take too damn long to cook.

I got a new hoodie today.

Also, visited my professor and did some other stuff, winding up to be a long day (4 hours sleep wasn't enough, I fear).

Once the rice is softened up, I'm making the quick trip to the Post Office and then back home.

ETA: Okay, the rice will not be done until The Man shows up for dinner, so the trip to the post office will have to be post-prandial.

Fuck yah. But what can you do?

Tags: writer's block

Okay, that Yay! is me trying to keep my energy up.

Really, I'm very, very, very sleepy.

Zombie-like.

And stupidly, craving a cigarette.

DAMN IT.

Last week was a crazy busy social week, in which I did so much fun stuff I cannot begin to tell you. But Sunday morning I started the inevitable descent and today I'm so tired, and kind of sad. BUT BUT BUT. I'm still feeling better than I was before.

And today is a nice day, filled with coffee, and later a walk to some place in the neighborhood to enjoy the sunshine. Maybe I'll go buy eggs!


p.s. Thanks again, Gillen!

Tags: life, mood

We got the apartment. I'm trying very hard to get stabilized so that I can be the best person, partner and parent I can be. It's windy today and I have plans to paint my fingernails blue, to match my toes. Blue is my colour these days. I need to be calmed.

I've got a phone appointment with my county caseworker in a few minutes, and I'm damn near terrified. I asked for a phone visit because my anxiety has gotten so bad, I couldn't imagine going in. Good thing I did, too, because I've gotten so doped up on my new meds that I really would rather not drive until afternoon, when most of the effects have worn off.

So, what's it like, life on an anti-psychotic? So far, so so. I feel better than ever, for the most part. But I still feel... I dunno. Let's say, I still feel outside the norm and still react to stress "like 'whoa'". I cannae seem to get myself on balance and energized and focused all at once very often, but when I do, it's lasting longer and yielding more satisfying results. So there is that.

I'm sure I mentioned that I fell down and hit my head last week. I still have bruises and some painful parts from that, which are good reminders to stand up slowly and hold on to railings when walking stairs, taking the bus, etc.

It's raining today, which is fine, I suppose but I still haven't located a rain proof jacket for the little one. He's got his winter coat at school, which is better than nothing if he needs to be outside and it's raining. But it's not really cool enough for such a jacket.

Okay, it's late, I need to get some papers and information together for my caseworker. I'm scared of him. He seems rather unsuited for this work, unless he likes to punish people. He is nice enough, but very... military.
 
It is difficult to explain. Suffice to say I've always had a problem with authority figures and he definitely represents authority. I'm frightened that I will lose my medical coverage and then have to stop taking my new meds because they are not generic and cost 155 USD per month.

Plus, no more doctor or dentist visits for me.

But being scared isn't helping anything. Today is a day to just do what must be done. And maybe cook some Thai food.

ETA: Okay, got through the interview*. Will be getting a few ducats for the boy's food, which is nice. I can buy him fresh veggies and fruits, which he adores. If the new Vietnamese grocery store accepts Quest, I can also pick up some crispy anchovies with sesame for him. I thought I'd be the only one who would like that snack, but he seems to love it! That's my boy.

*although I was quite literally _shaking_  throughout the interview.  I also started crying a bit, I was so tense and nervous. Wow, I really wish I could have a drink right now. Not gonna do it, just wish I could.

Tags: crazies, food, life, mental, money, mood

But I got here and had nothing to say.
Found a beautiful apartment which I very much want to make my home with my partner and my son.
Am creating a new understanding of myself and what I can do at this point in my life, taking my illness seriously and taking it's treatment seriously as well.

Also, I'm bloody hungry. I think it's time for breakfast.

From the wreckage of a very depressed and suicidal period rises the beautiful new growth of hope. Life will out, right?

Today, was not a bad day, but one in which I did not get very much done. Indeed, I did not dress until 5pm, did not leave my building *but did leave the apartment to get the mail*, and have not talked to any women. I don't often talk to women these days. It's very strange.

Anyhow, I digress. So, I had some chicken and vegetables which were best cooked today, and in a fit of energy and inspiration (yay for both), I got up the gumption to make a proper meal. Broiled chicken, Stuffing made with homemade whole wheat/oatmeal bread, broccoli and asparagus. I called the Man to see if he wanted to join me.

He had things to do at home, he said, would it be alright if he just came for dinner? But of course, as I had things (mainly watching a marathon of The Corner) to do this evening. We arranged a time based on how long the chicken would be in the oven, and I prepared everything, set timers, started my Corner viewing...

At the predetermined time, my buzzer rang, and I began plating up the dinner. We had salad as well as the aforementioned delights.
We were sitting at the table by 5:20 sharing a lovely hot meal together. Afterward the Man fixed my garbage disposal (in which a shot glass was mysteriously ground up, the clean up of which resulted in my getting a rather ugly cut on the tip of the middle finger of my dominant hand this Friday past), emptied my dishwasher and did my dishes while I put the food away and cleaned the counter.

A mutual friend called for cooking advice while we worked.

We talked and did paperwork for a while, and then, one hour and 15 minutes after he walked in the door, I told him he best get on home, I had things to do. I walked him down to the door, kissed him goodbye and picked up my (junk, alas) mail.

It was a wonderful, calm, domestically blissful 75 minutes which I feel distinctly grateful for.

When I am very freaked out and particularly when I am suicidal, I do not fee capable of such interaction and such feelings. It is very difficult.

It turns (it has turned) my world upside down to have repeated (and rapidly returning) bouts of depression and suicidality. It has changed my life for the worse, but at least, at least there are these golden moments of clarity where I feel something that is calmness and light and good. Not overly good, but decent, human, and worthy.

My reality is...different from what I expect, and that difference is hard to reconcile. But I am still, essentially, me, and I will survive.

Also, I have a torrent post which will fascinate and delight someone on my fl, I just know it. But that is for another day. Now, it's 5 hours of telly. Wow, that's sloth.

::sigh of contentment::

Tags: day to day, depression, food, health, life, love, me, mood, television

Ack. OMG. There is no sleep involved. And why can't the tv/ps2/fortbuilding/legos/movies keep them from coming into my room every 2 minutes?!?!

I am NOT interesting. I am a crabby, tired mom. That is all.

There is fun out there, look! Nothing to see here.

Tags: day to day, family, kids, mamma

Right now I'm just eating a great deal of cheesecake and drinking incredibly strong coffee to keep myself occupied.

I wanna drink, or stuff. But I'll eat cheesecake and drink coffee instead. That, and watch movies.

What I am doing is...maybe staying up all night like I did when I was a teenager, maybe doing other things. Trying to stay safe.

Safe. Safe. Safe.

I ate tuna fish on Thursday, on Friday, and for breakfast today, Tilapia fillets. I'm trying to eat my eat the stuff in my freezer and cupboards.

I'm not worried about mercury or anything. I'm just wondering when I'm gonna get sick of it.

Tags: food

Holy. Fuck.

I'm just drama'd out from reading an old friend's LJ.


And I realize that while I'm a drama mamma myself, I am not as dramatic as some people are.

::thanks bog::

But I do see my drama coming out (see last post). It's good though, I guess, for the drama to not be completely internalized.

My goals are so simple for this next couple of months:

Don't drop out of school
Don't get any Cs (although Geometry means all bets are off, a C is a good grade for me in maths)
Don't kill myself

Today it's take the kid to a Dr appt with a really cool PA who is nice and likes me, and then go see the godless heathen Richard Dawkins speak, after which I will write 400-600 words on the talk for my class. Kick ass.

Tags: blog, drama, kids, life, school

"I'm tired of it," boyfriend admitted to me last night.

He was speaking of my depression.

He is tired of it. Which is understandable. I am tired of it too. Very much so. Tired of trying different meds and having different disappointing results. Tired of feeling unable to leave the house and thinking, constantly, of ending my life. Tired of it.

And I wanted to say, part of me wanted to say, "Oh, well that makes one of us, because I LOVE it!" But I didn't.

We had a bad night last night. I sent him away - I'd rather be alone than sitting there next to someone who is tired of me (because my depression is intertwined with my being right now, that's how it gets it's power, it plugs into me at a very core level). He is rejecting my depression without telling me that he still accepts me, that he still loves me. It's tough.

There are people out there who are willing to talk to him, support him and share their experiences as a partner of a depressed person. I HAVE THEIR PHONE NUMBERS! And I fairly begged him this morning to call a friend of his and really really talk to her about what he is experiencing.

Because, as I told him, "I can't help you. I understand what you are going through, but I can't help you." I'm bitter about the fact that when I was going through this stuff with my ex I *didn't* have anyone who understood how tough it was to support someone going through depression and suicidality. And I'm bitter that he isn't taking advantage of the resources at his disposal. Its like he is expecting me to be in charge of everything.

I asked him to help me get some food in me last night, and he complained that I wanted him to do everything (I also begged him to talk to me, to help quell the thoughts of pills and quiet in my head). I said, "I don't expect you to put every morsel of food in my mouth for the rest of my life, just help me get some dinner right now." He heated up some pizza for me then, and brought me ginger ale.

It's bad right now, really really bad, and the worse it gets the worse it promises to be. If he isn't there, no one is.

And I don't love it, and I hate that I can't sit down and read a book, or keep a good mood long enough to seek out a job, or find a reason to get out of bed. Or take care of my own flesh and blood, who see me once or twice a week.

Tags: boyfriend, dead again, depression sucks, i hate myself and want to die, love, love stinks

Watching "Chef!" (first series), and I'm very happy.

And curious to try Guinness punch.

And hungry for curry goat.

Tags: food, tv